A county physician in UK has discovered a sure cure for nervousness in women. He tells them that it's a sign of old age.
Cloudy urine
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from a major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...
Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, she took a look at the bottle and a frowned.
"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," she said, pointing to the urine bottle.
"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."
Duck hunting
An internist, a surgeon and a pathologist decided to go duck hunting together. A couple of mornings later they found themselves sitting in a duck-blind waiting for the birds. Pretty soon a bird appeared on the horizon. The internist watched it carefully as it came over and said, "Gentlemen, observe the colorful plumage, the quacking call and the web feet trailing behind." As the bird disappeared out of range, he said, "Based on my observation, I would venture that we have seen a duck, but further tests may be necessary before we decide on a course of action." The other doctors looked blankly at him, but there was a slight sneer from the surgeon.
It wasn't long until another bird appeared. They waited until it came closer and then the surgeon leaped to his feet with his gun. Blam....Blamm...Blaaaammm.. Feathers and pieces of feet, blood and guts and bill exploded overhead. A sorry looking carcass fell into the blind. The surgeon turned to the pathologist and said, "Hey friend, would'ja mind runnin' over and get that thing and tell me if it was a duck."
Outcome of surgery
Patient to ophthalmologist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?
Ophthalmologist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.
Smart answers
In AScotland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Jack and Bill. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Jack to come in for his questioning. When Jack came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Jack you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Jack nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Jack if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Jack answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Jack knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Bill's files.
When Jack got into the waiting room however, he told Bill what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Bill and he followed the same procedure that he had with Jack. "Bill the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Bill, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "My hat would fall down over me eyes."
School 1968 vs. School 2008
Scenario: Jack and Tim get into a fistfight after school.
1968 - Crowd gathers. Tim wins. Jack and Tim shake hands and end up mates.
2008 - Police arrives; Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Jack and Tim. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Jack started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1968 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Methylphenidate. Counseled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for addiction. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Bob breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1968 - Bob is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Bob's dad is arrested for child abuse. Bob is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Bob's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1968 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2008 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Jack falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Lisa, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1968 - Jack soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2008 - Lisa is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Jack undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
Brown teeth
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!